Wedding daze Beauty Care

We were watching The Apprentice on TV the other night, the one where the teams had to sell wedding dresses and wedding accessories at The National Wedding Show in Birmingham's NEC. One of the contestants gleefully remarked that this would be the easiest task ever for her because sure don't all women spend their lives wistfully dreaming of the day they - at last! - get wed?

Er, well actually...

As anyone who knows me will know only too well, I am just not into the whole wedding thing. I had to go and have a little lie down after just typing the first line of this blog entry. Weddings are in that category of Things That Other People Do, like having babies or jumping out of planes or hoovering or drinking coffee. I'm pretty sure people are getting bored of asking me when we're going to set a date and me raising an eyebrow in what's supposed to be a suggestive, I'm-filthy-kinky-you-know fashion and murmuring, "Oh no, not for us thanks, I'm quite happy to live in sin" which is great.

It's not just the idea of a wedding itself that I have took agin, although I'm not a fan of Irish weddings generally. Church, white dress, stiff-looking hair (and that's just the bride's mother), rank bridesmaids frocks ("and you'll get so much wear out of it afterwards!"), ridiculous waistcoats/cravats/tailcoats, vintage car, photos outside the church if weather permits, hotel, champagne reception, more pics, pre-dinner drinks, turkey-or-salmon, drinks, cringey speeches, worse music, more drinks, "Come On Eileen", drinks, "Daydream Believer", drinks, "Rock The Boat", drinks, awful dancing... Does that or does that not bear more than a passing resemblance to every typical Irish wedding you've ever been to?

Anyways, I just can't imagine myself being married. Ever. Me? Married! Nope, that's someone else's life.

The least sensitive person I've ever met (she has all the subtlety of a cargo plane piloted by a brick wall and an army tank) told me the other day that that's just because I haven't met the right person.

The cheek of it, for a start! The truth of it is she just can't fathom how any girl wouldn't want to be hitched, but I still went through her for a shortcut. Silly cow. Who says that, like?

Lookit, I'm not anti-marriage, it's great for other people. I don't have commitment issues. And no, I don't want to be with anyone but Himself. Ever. I'm not going to get into it in great length here, but I love him. I am madly in love with him. End of.

But weddings and marriage and shizz... seriously, that's someone else's life. We did have a meander around the engagement ring floor in Tiffany when we were in New York in January (oh, did I mention we were in New York..?) because I wanted to have a gawk at the bling, and holy God they were beautiful, the most sparkly schparklers I have ever seen. I would have no objection to anyone furnishing me with one of those babes.

For my right hand, natch...